Ladies... Allow me...

Not to bust out an ego that I don't have, but I'm complimented time and time again, and have been asked to "teach classes" on certain things. I don't have time for that, so just read this for a few (what SHOULD ALREADY BE COMMON SENSE) pointers.

#1: Kill that Bitch. You know, the inner one that drives you to say something hateful just because you think you can. Oh, that's just your personality? People just can't handle you? You pick all the wrong men? Just can't seem to get along with females? Let me let you in on a secret... NOBODY LIKES A BITCH. Kill it. Let it go. No decent human being wants to be criticized, analyzed, insulted, physically-mentally-and emotionally beat on, your friends are not punching bags. The girl making your caramel frappe has feelings, and she'll spit in your junk if your snap your fingers one more time. Nobody thinks attitude is funny, so go ahead and ditch that excuse too. Can't find a good man? That's because they want chicks with SOULS AND CLASS... not a demon woman with a big mouth and bigger attitude they're ashamed to show mom or their friends. Do YOU like to be corrected? Neither do other people. If you look around you, and notice your friends bail on you every time you wanna hang out or only include you so you won't FLIP THE HECK OUT when you find out they have plans, if guys you're interested in just don't feel a connection with you, if coworkers don't want to hang out anywhere else, if your family only talks to you when they have to... guess what? It's not them. It's you. Take a look in the mirror. Figure out your issues, and let it go. In the meantime, until you decide to quit being a victim or thinking your cool or get therapy, stop taking out your frustration on society before the people you piss off start leaving cats at your door to help start your lonely old bitty collection. Seriously.

#2: Show class, not ass. Ladies, is it REALLY necessary to wear the TIGHTEST TINIEST LOWEST CLEAVAGE POPPING BOOTY FLOPPING outfit you own to Walmart or Harris Teeter? (Or anywhere, for that matter?) Here's a tip, dude's gonna see you, he'll buy you one drink, take you home for the night, and pretend you never met the next day. Dressing like a skank on Halloween everyday of your life doesn't scream sexy, it screams insecure with bad taste in wardrobe, bad financial management, (yeah, we know you bought that sleazy stripper ensemble, don't pretend your "friend" gave it to you, liar liar pants on fire!) and usually shows off your desparate need for a gym membership. You ain't meeting Momma. His friends at the club WILL giggle at you and post your drunk ass on youtube, ("drunk girl at Ultra 2012" anyone?), they'll also make sure they send that instagram pic of your cellulite trying to drop it low on some bar to almost everyone in their contacts list, (and its DEFINITELY gonna hit facebook before your nasty tail can get back down.) That dress will look SOOOOOOO much better in YOUR RIGHT SIZE. Your big ass ain't gonna try to squeeze your size 8 feet into a size 5 shoe, why would you think jeans work any different? STUPID. Muffin top is NOT attractive. If you can afford to buy clothes, you can afford to buy the right size. I managed retail establishments for a LONG TIME... unless you're in the big and tall section, you're not gonna spend a fortune so stop trying to save money by shopping in the little kids area, because a small and medium cost the SAME PRICE. Sharing clothes with your 8 year old daughter is not appropriate... EVER. Clean it up girls... your nasty's falling out... literally. UGH.

#3: TAKE CARE OF YOUR BABIES!!! This one's big for me. I struggled hard with conception, so seeing slack parenting is one of my biggest pet peeves. How can you sit back and talk about your kid's dead beat dad when every chance you get you're finding a sitter to go "out." Doesn't matter where. Occasionally, I get. Parents need a break. If you can't remember the last time you spent a weekend at home doing stuff that makes your babies happy, but are steady posting pics of you and your girls double fisting booze every weekend... your one lame broad. Get it together. Babies are BLESSINGS, figure it out and do better or drop your kids off at a DSS office near you. GIVING BIRTH or DONATING DNA DOES NOT MAKE YOU A PARENT. RAISING THE CHILD DOES. And PS: real parents have pictures of their kids... not just on FB, but in real life, especially in their homes and on their phones. Taking pics of these fly-by moments with your little ones is a lot more important then all those lame head tilt duck face photos you think make you look hot.

#4: I say it all the time. I am NOT a feminist. Relationships are give and take, 50/50, but sometimes ladies, you have to make them feel like it's a little off balance... If you want your man to step up and be a man, then LET HIM. Independence is awesome, but guys want an equal, he wants to KNOW she can handle herself, but still feel needed and important. Show him that you can be a strong woman, but that you still appreciate him as, yes, the even stronger man by your side. Let him open a door or a jar for you. Be a GIRL occasionally, lol. Nobody likes dead weight, but every man NEEDS to feel needed, supportive, strong, ... you know, LIKE A MAN. Just because you CAN do some of the same things he can, doesn't mean you always have to. Let him have time with the guys without complaining. Going out and doing man things is NORMAL and healthy, for both of you. Coddle and caress that ego of his every once in a while. They like it. Give him a chance, and let him prove to you he can be your backbone. One day, you may actually NEED him and not just want him, just look at this as practice. I am in no way saying play helpless, that's just ignorant and so are the women that do that crap. What I'm saying is men are geared and hard-wired to protect, bread-win, and show off a little testosterone... women are geared and hard-wired to nurture, to love, and to seek comfort... there's nothing wrong with letting your genetic intellect secretly guide your relationship in the right direction. Oh, and if you care about him, do NOT belittle him, privately or publicly... it'll get you nowhere but dumped, (see rule #1.) *Listen to Jamie Foxx's "She Got Her Own" and take notes.*

#5: Unless you have a medical condition, there is NO reason why you shouldn't have real eyebrows. Surely to goodness, plucking or waxing has to be easier brow maintenance than painting them on everyday.

#6: No heterosexual woman should ever have side-burns. They are dually as bad as the infamous mullet and bowl cut. Seriously. I don't care what your heritage is, which side of the family it runs on, blah blah blah. It is NOT baby hair, and yes, you can see it regardless of the length of your hair. Find your significant other's clippers (unless you fall into rule #1's category and are single and miserable, rendering you deserving of wacky weeds growing down your face), and shave them OFF. Don't trim and walk away. Trim, then shave. Or wax. It lasts longer. REMOVE THEM ENTIRELY.

#7: God already made your face a masterpiece. Quit trying to play Picasso with your Dollar Tree make-up. Same goes for your nails. Pick a color and roll with it... not one per finger (or 8 per finger... ugh.) Your face looks like Rainbow Bright had to much to drink and puked all over you. If you're gonna wear make-up, follow these guidelines: less is more. Make-up is meant to enhance your naturals beauty, not cover it up. Buy a set of brushes. Even a cheap set is worth it, and it'll give you practice. BLEND. Youtube it, I'm sure there's a how-to video somewhere. And remember, two things, just because you bought a new pallet does not mean you need to try out every single color at the same time, and if you're wearing neon, your make-up does not have to match.

#8: For pete's sake, stop using the word "Bestie." You're a GROWN WOMAN for crying out loud. Our generation had pig-latin. It's time you let go of the playground days, and you and your estbay iendfray leave the new recess slang to the tint tots of today.

#9: Pick your battles wisely. I'm not saying don't stand up for yourself, but try to look at every situation logically and from a third party view. I always pretend one of my friends is telling ME about something that happened, if it was someone else's issue, would I still be so riled up? Probably not. More importantly, will I care tomorrow? Probably not. Is sparking an argument with someone I care about or with a dimwitted cashier gonna make me feel better? Probably not. Is it worth it? No. It hardly ever is. LET THINGS GO unless it's truly grinding your gears. Calm down, lay it out rationally in your head, and then COMMUNICATE with the other person about the problem so that you can find a compromise and/or resolution. People are dumb sometimes... always fighting over petty things will surely cause you to miss out on the best moments life has to offer.

#10: DO NOT BE AFRAID TO LET YOUR GUY GO OUT FOR GUY TIME WITHOUT COMPLAINING. (Or inviting yourself along.) Guy time DOES NOT CONSIST OF VAGINAE. They say and do things when they're with their own kind that they will NOT say or do in front of a woman, ever. Regardless of how much you think you're one of the guys, you're not. There's a club, and to be a certified member, you gotta dangle, and sister, you don't make the cut. If you're worried about his fidelity, then pack your bags and roll out cause that relationship's already over. Watching the game or going to a movie without you will not kill you or the relationship. If it does, you were already doomed because real love is stronger than any other type of persuasion. Boyfriend is the envy of all his friends, cause when him and the boys make plans, I don't show up like a psycho off my meds or blow up his phone like the house is on fire. I let him have fun. It's a gesture of love that says "I trust you. I love you and I know that you love me. Go, have fun, and come home to me." If you stop trying to leash your boyfriend/husband, he'll stop trying to break free and appreciate you. More importantly, he'll WANT to come back home to you. That's the best part. 

Word. There it is. Some of y'all wont like this, but if you don't... pull that mirror back out, because more than likely you need one of my rules to live by.

Bunnies, Eggs, Babies, and JESUS

I had one phenomenal Easter weekend! It was the first one with both my babies and that incredible Boyfriend of mine, not to mention all of our wonderful family and friends... I don't think I had one meal since Thursday that wasn't prepared on a grill, Munchkin had his first real Easter egg hunt (and won a prize!), both boys were freaking ADORABLE in their outfits, spent some quality time with a few of my favorite people, I got to cook for everybody (which I LOVE), and Transformer and Munchkin both ate up all the attention EVERYBODY kept lavishing them with. At one point, I seriously thought I busted a stitch from laughing so hard, and yet again from playing with Munchkin. The highlight of my weekend, hands down, was our after church dubstep rock-out session (just me, Boyfriend, and Munchkin) in the car. :) I hadn't been able to go back to church up to this point, so today we took the parents to Warehouse with us... let me tell you... walking in that building... it's an unexplainable "coming home" feeling. It felt so awesome to be there, with a church community I've come to know and love. Hearing Bruce speak always does something for my soul, and after being down with the blues physically and emotionally lately, my spirit needed todays overdose of holy. Over-all, this turned out to be a pretty amazing 1st Easter for our brand new mini family. Family functions, hockey games, cookouts, babies, family, slumber parties, friends... the only thing missing was a few special people.... (Fairy God-Mother, Best Friend, Little Brother, Aunt Sherry and Uncle George, and OF COURSE, LEONARDO THE GODFATHER.) Life is grand when you let God run it how he wants.

Happy Easter y'all, I hope yours was as good as ours, and that each of you remembered to thank Jesus this morning. <3

I've been a bad, bad, blogger...

I know. I started a requested blog, and then I was neglectful and left you hanging... my bad yo. If it helps, it's only because I have definitely had my hands full with both babies that I've failed to update you daily on all of the awesome happenings in my life. Anyway, you're in for a treat. I realize I have some catching up to do so for the next few days, I'm gonna rant and rave and update away. :) In fact, I may need to google the blogging etiquette, or, rules... can you blog too much? Probably. I'm gonna do it anyway. 

So go ahead. Run out and buy yourself a pair of ugly drugstore reading glasses and a Java Monster, because we've got a lot of catching up to do. <3

Preggo-Free Fantasies

This morning, at the crack of dawn, one of Boyfriend's best friends asked me "What are you looking forward to being able to do again, the most (when I'm no longer pregnant)?"

I'm so close to delivery at this point, I guess it got me thinking because I've been fantasizing constantly about the endless adventures of a preggo free life all day. Here's my list:

1. Sleep. I'm talking sprawled out like Patrick the Starfish all over the entire bed, on my belly, knocked out, with yes, maybe even a little drool. I want to wake up with bed-head, hair all a mess, with those weird lines etched into my body where I've gotten tangled up in the sheets and junk... oh yeah. It may only last a couple hours at a time, but by golly, I'm ready for it.
2. Soda. Specifically Mountain Dew and Sundrop. More specifically, Cherry Lemon Sundrop. Here in North Carolina, this is Sundrop Country, where it was brewed, born, and bred. Boyfriend has restricted my diet throughout this entire pregnancy (out of love of course). I've had NOTHING red and only 2 Mountain Dews and 1 Sundrop for the past 9 1/2 months. All that talk about after a while, you're body stops craving it anyway... yeah... not so much. I've got walks and marathons coming up so I can only indulge in soda a little... but as soon as Transformer pops out, I'm popping the top of my yummy, caffeinated, bottled Heaven.
3. Shaving my legs. I already do this daily anyway, but trust me... it takes A LOT longer now than it ever did before. You never realize how much you appreciate those little comforts until they're gone... :/
4. Junk food. Like I said, I know I can't go sugar binging but dang it, for a small period of time, I will. And it's going to be wonderful. Brownies, chocolate covered anything I want, those sodas I mentioned earlier... I'm gonna deliver right around Valentine's, so potentially, if I play my cards right, I could catch those ENORMOUS bags of Reese cups on sale. ChaCHING!!
5. The gym. I know, right? I do NOT want to work my butt off, it looks AWESOME as is. In fact, I hope my butt stays pregnant forever. The rest of me... eh. I was never one of those girls that worried about my weight or what my body looked like before I ever got pregnant. Then I got pregnant with Munchkin and realized that was because I never needed to. Turns out, I was modest and vain at the same time, subconsciously. This time, I'm well aware and when I'm looking at my back fat or my second chin in the mirror, my eyes are WIDE OPEN. It's time for my thighs to lose some of that thunder they've been collecting. Plus, again, I've got charity walks and marathons and the dreaded Warrior Dash (yikes!) coming up, and as of right now, I'm gonna have a better chance of dying in a mud puddle somewhere before I have a chance at crawling across the finish line. I have visions of the wind blowing through my pony tailed hair, sun kissed skin dripping only that attractive sweat, and my body looking freakin AWESOME as I cross the finish line. Let's aim for that one instead of someone dragging me like a wounded animal... 
6. Mommy-Munchkin time. Until you've experienced it, you can never understand how much cuddling up on the couch with your kid curling his tiny little body as far into yours as he can to snuggle, while you both sing stupid songs (that he LOVES), along with Yo Gabba Gabba, truly makes you smile. I love lots of people, but none of them come close to Munchkin on the love scale. Bring on the vanilla wafers, juice, and Nick Jr.
7. Cocktails. Maybe it's a professional thing, like when people that roof ride around town checking out the shingles on buildings and houses without realizing it; but I can't wait to get fancy, go to the bar, and down a line of shots. I may only be half white but that half WILL be wasted. Not all the time, not often, and only on a night when we have a sitter for both kids, I'm just not the parent that drinks with my kid around. Maybe not soon enough, but definitely soon. Inebriation WILL occur.
8. Cooking. I LOVE being in the kitchen. It's my favorite room in a home, followed closely by my closet. I have this insane habit of cooking for the masses... even if there's only 3 people eating. I love food. I love variety and color at every meal. I have this absurd phobia that people will leave my dinner table still hungry... so... I over-compensate. Some people do it with body parts or personality... I do it with food. Eh, it is what it is. I'm damaged, but if the worst thing about me is that I'll feed you to make myself feel good, well then I'm the bomb.com.
9. Road trips. I have friends and family that I miss SO FREAKIN much. I can't work for a while anyway, and they want to meet my babies. They're all willing to feed us and house us, all I gotta supply are the kids and gas money! How can I say no to that?
10. Last but definitely not least, I can not wait to go back to work. I've been exploring new career options. Realistically, I'm pretty good at well, everything cause if you remember from #8, I have that over-compensating complex and HAVE to be the best at whatever I do or life will end. It just will. If nothing else I have the option of going back to my old job, but I hate it and don't want to work with that bunch of douche-bags any longer if I don't have to, so I'm keeping my options open. I miss working for lots of reasons that are too in depth for this particular post, but it's on my high priority list.

Are there other things on my list? Of course. These are just my top ten. Can you relate? What are some of the things that you missed most or most looked forward to during your pregnancy? I wanna know.

<3

WTH Did Preggo's Do Before the Internet?

So, I'm 38 weeks and 4 days into this pregnancy and counting down, but I've been on full blown bed rest since Dec 28th. For those of you that don't know, bed rest is hard work. I look around and see laundry, make mental to do lists, I wanna take Puppy out back and waddle around the back yard with him, I want to go scoop up Munchkin and take him to feed ducks and swing at the park, I want to go out with Boyfriend for pizza or to watch the game, I want to take this time while I'm not working and visit friends and family I never get to see, I want to get OFF the couch or OUT of the bed and GO... but alas... I keep my big ole barefooted planet belly plopped and propped like a good girl.

For a brief period of time, I attempted all of those things; but then I realized I was gonna give Boyfriend a heart-attack from worrying about mine and Transformer's well-being, after-all, I'm on bed rest for a reason. I was on bed rest from the day I found out I was pregnant with Munchkin, but THAT pregnancy was so miserable and I stayed so medicated that I slept through most of it, so I never needed extra mental stimulation. I recently found myself watching the 5th re-run of SportsCenter or some extremely old re-rerun of Law and Order, who can remember... and I had an epiphany: I have the Internet! Ah yes! The good old interweb... a vast oasis of life to explore. Sure, I already knew about YouTube and facebook, and various news websites (entertainment and world importance alike)... but I asked for recommendations and BOY of BOY, did I receive! I have now found myself addicted to reading blogs and "pinning" a million things a day on Pinterest. I terrified myself reading pregnancy/baby related stories and info. I have discovered new shopping sites that I have emailed myself so that I can set goals for when I finally get to go back to work. I have looked into new career options. I can house hunt or apartment shop without the clock ticking away my lunch break. I have learned new games to play with Munchkin and new ideas for stimulating Transformer once he makes his debut... it's an endless plethora of ideas, games, info, and stuff I never knew I cared about until now.

So now my question is, WHAT THE HECK DID BED RIDDEN DO BEFORE THE INTERNET?
There are days where I truly feel like without Netflix, The Dirty, or Kindle, I would go absolutely stir crazy.

Were any of you put on bed rest? What did you do on your maternity leave? Any of you have more AMAZING websites you'd like to share? After all, I've got nothing but time...

Let's Be Vain ;) (But only temporarily)

After a ton of requests, I finally gave in. I can't write a book right now, so, I created a blog. What now? Your first post is one of the most important. It's what draws people in and keeps them coming back. I have oh-so-many things to talk about, but I thought,... hmmm... to start off, why not talk about ME!? Might as well give off an overview and lay down my basics, so... here ya go! ;)


I am no ordinary little woman. I have lead an absurdly adventurous life and have gained more life experience than several members of the geriatric community combined in my whopping 27 1/2 years of life. I am passionate about many things (what's a life worth living without passion?), and I'm pretty verbal about it. I rant, I rave, I brag, I complain, I compliment, sometimes I just feel like letting it all out... and I have that right. People may not like what I have to say about EVERYTHING, people may not always agree with me, people may think I'm out of line or spot on... but it's MY opinion. It's how I feel. It's MY life. I do lack tact... in fact, I'm down right brutally honest, so don't ask if you don't want the truth, which I speak a lot of. I can't wait to get feedback from all walks of life and to hear how YOU feel about the truths that I speak. I look forward to sharing all of my life's ups and downs with you... my world, friends old and new, family... I'm a proud Mommy, I'm in the last stage of pregnancy, I'm a Tashia of many trades, I love and I dislike, I want to share the pictures that make my smile, the stories and thoughts that make me angry or giggle, the everyday experiences that happen that people consider too taboo to post on Facebook or say out loud... I want to go through this incredible life I've been given and share it with anyone who wants to read about it. I'm sure I'll ruffle a few feathers along the way, but when it's all said and done, I hope that I brighten up lives and make a few days. Happy reading to all of you and I hope you subscribe to this blog and keep on coming back!

<3  Tashia