Not to bust out an ego that I don't have, but I'm complimented time and time again, and have been asked to "teach classes" on certain things. I don't have time for that, so just read this for a few (what SHOULD ALREADY BE COMMON SENSE) pointers.
#1: Kill that Bitch. You know, the inner one that drives you to say something hateful just because you think you can. Oh, that's just your personality? People just can't handle you? You pick all the wrong men? Just can't seem to get along with females? Let me let you in on a secret... NOBODY LIKES A BITCH. Kill it. Let it go. No decent human being wants to be criticized, analyzed, insulted, physically-mentally-and emotionally beat on, your friends are not punching bags. The girl making your caramel frappe has feelings, and she'll spit in your junk if your snap your fingers one more time. Nobody thinks attitude is funny, so go ahead and ditch that excuse too. Can't find a good man? That's because they want chicks with SOULS AND CLASS... not a demon woman with a big mouth and bigger attitude they're ashamed to show mom or their friends. Do YOU like to be corrected? Neither do other people. If you look around you, and notice your friends bail on you every time you wanna hang out or only include you so you won't FLIP THE HECK OUT when you find out they have plans, if guys you're interested in just don't feel a connection with you, if coworkers don't want to hang out anywhere else, if your family only talks to you when they have to... guess what? It's not them. It's you. Take a look in the mirror. Figure out your issues, and let it go. In the meantime, until you decide to quit being a victim or thinking your cool or get therapy, stop taking out your frustration on society before the people you piss off start leaving cats at your door to help start your lonely old bitty collection. Seriously.
#2: Show class, not ass. Ladies, is it REALLY necessary to wear the TIGHTEST TINIEST LOWEST CLEAVAGE POPPING BOOTY FLOPPING outfit you own to Walmart or Harris Teeter? (Or anywhere, for that matter?) Here's a tip, dude's gonna see you, he'll buy you one drink, take you home for the night, and pretend you never met the next day. Dressing like a skank on Halloween everyday of your life doesn't scream sexy, it screams insecure with bad taste in wardrobe, bad financial management, (yeah, we know you bought that sleazy stripper ensemble, don't pretend your "friend" gave it to you, liar liar pants on fire!) and usually shows off your desparate need for a gym membership. You ain't meeting Momma. His friends at the club WILL giggle at you and post your drunk ass on youtube, ("drunk girl at Ultra 2012" anyone?), they'll also make sure they send that instagram pic of your cellulite trying to drop it low on some bar to almost everyone in their contacts list, (and its DEFINITELY gonna hit facebook before your nasty tail can get back down.) That dress will look SOOOOOOO much better in YOUR RIGHT SIZE. Your big ass ain't gonna try to squeeze your size 8 feet into a size 5 shoe, why would you think jeans work any different? STUPID. Muffin top is NOT attractive. If you can afford to buy clothes, you can afford to buy the right size. I managed retail establishments for a LONG TIME... unless you're in the big and tall section, you're not gonna spend a fortune so stop trying to save money by shopping in the little kids area, because a small and medium cost the SAME PRICE. Sharing clothes with your 8 year old daughter is not appropriate... EVER. Clean it up girls... your nasty's falling out... literally. UGH.
#3: TAKE CARE OF YOUR BABIES!!! This one's big for me. I struggled hard with conception, so seeing slack parenting is one of my biggest pet peeves. How can you sit back and talk about your kid's dead beat dad when every chance you get you're finding a sitter to go "out." Doesn't matter where. Occasionally, I get. Parents need a break. If you can't remember the last time you spent a weekend at home doing stuff that makes your babies happy, but are steady posting pics of you and your girls double fisting booze every weekend... your one lame broad. Get it together. Babies are BLESSINGS, figure it out and do better or drop your kids off at a DSS office near you. GIVING BIRTH or DONATING DNA DOES NOT MAKE YOU A PARENT. RAISING THE CHILD DOES. And PS: real parents have pictures of their kids... not just on FB, but in real life, especially in their homes and on their phones. Taking pics of these fly-by moments with your little ones is a lot more important then all those lame head tilt duck face photos you think make you look hot.
#4: I say it all the time. I am NOT a feminist. Relationships are give and take, 50/50, but sometimes ladies, you have to make them feel like it's a little off balance... If you want your man to step up and be a man, then LET HIM. Independence is awesome, but guys want an equal, he wants to KNOW she can handle herself, but still feel needed and important. Show him that you can be a strong woman, but that you still appreciate him as, yes, the even stronger man by your side. Let him open a door or a jar for you. Be a GIRL occasionally, lol. Nobody likes dead weight, but every man NEEDS to feel needed, supportive, strong, ... you know, LIKE A MAN. Just because you CAN do some of the same things he can, doesn't mean you always have to. Let him have time with the guys without complaining. Going out and doing man things is NORMAL and healthy, for both of you. Coddle and caress that ego of his every once in a while. They like it. Give him a chance, and let him prove to you he can be your backbone. One day, you may actually NEED him and not just want him, just look at this as practice. I am in no way saying play helpless, that's just ignorant and so are the women that do that crap. What I'm saying is men are geared and hard-wired to protect, bread-win, and show off a little testosterone... women are geared and hard-wired to nurture, to love, and to seek comfort... there's nothing wrong with letting your genetic intellect secretly guide your relationship in the right direction. Oh, and if you care about him, do NOT belittle him, privately or publicly... it'll get you nowhere but dumped, (see rule #1.) *Listen to Jamie Foxx's "She Got Her Own" and take notes.*
#5: Unless you have a medical condition, there is NO reason why you shouldn't have real eyebrows. Surely to goodness, plucking or waxing has to be easier brow maintenance than painting them on everyday.
#6: No heterosexual woman should ever have side-burns. They are dually as bad as the infamous mullet and bowl cut. Seriously. I don't care what your heritage is, which side of the family it runs on, blah blah blah. It is NOT baby hair, and yes, you can see it regardless of the length of your hair. Find your significant other's clippers (unless you fall into rule #1's category and are single and miserable, rendering you deserving of wacky weeds growing down your face), and shave them OFF. Don't trim and walk away. Trim, then shave. Or wax. It lasts longer. REMOVE THEM ENTIRELY.
#7: God already made your face a masterpiece. Quit trying to play Picasso with your Dollar Tree make-up. Same goes for your nails. Pick a color and roll with it... not one per finger (or 8 per finger... ugh.) Your face looks like Rainbow Bright had to much to drink and puked all over you. If you're gonna wear make-up, follow these guidelines: less is more. Make-up is meant to enhance your naturals beauty, not cover it up. Buy a set of brushes. Even a cheap set is worth it, and it'll give you practice. BLEND. Youtube it, I'm sure there's a how-to video somewhere. And remember, two things, just because you bought a new pallet does not mean you need to try out every single color at the same time, and if you're wearing neon, your make-up does not have to match.
#8: For pete's sake, stop using the word "Bestie." You're a GROWN WOMAN for crying out loud. Our generation had pig-latin. It's time you let go of the playground days, and you and your estbay iendfray leave the new recess slang to the tint tots of today.
#9: Pick your battles wisely. I'm not saying don't stand up for yourself, but try to look at every situation logically and from a third party view. I always pretend one of my friends is telling ME about something that happened, if it was someone else's issue, would I still be so riled up? Probably not. More importantly, will I care tomorrow? Probably not. Is sparking an argument with someone I care about or with a dimwitted cashier gonna make me feel better? Probably not. Is it worth it? No. It hardly ever is. LET THINGS GO unless it's truly grinding your gears. Calm down, lay it out rationally in your head, and then COMMUNICATE with the other person about the problem so that you can find a compromise and/or resolution. People are dumb sometimes... always fighting over petty things will surely cause you to miss out on the best moments life has to offer.
#10: DO NOT BE AFRAID TO LET YOUR GUY GO OUT FOR GUY TIME WITHOUT COMPLAINING. (Or inviting yourself along.) Guy time DOES NOT CONSIST OF VAGINAE. They say and do things when they're with their own kind that they will NOT say or do in front of a woman, ever. Regardless of how much you think you're one of the guys, you're not. There's a club, and to be a certified member, you gotta dangle, and sister, you don't make the cut. If you're worried about his fidelity, then pack your bags and roll out cause that relationship's already over. Watching the game or going to a movie without you will not kill you or the relationship. If it does, you were already doomed because real love is stronger than any other type of persuasion. Boyfriend is the envy of all his friends, cause when him and the boys make plans, I don't show up like a psycho off my meds or blow up his phone like the house is on fire. I let him have fun. It's a gesture of love that says "I trust you. I love you and I know that you love me. Go, have fun, and come home to me." If you stop trying to leash your boyfriend/husband, he'll stop trying to break free and appreciate you. More importantly, he'll WANT to come back home to you. That's the best part.
Word. There it is. Some of y'all wont like this, but if you don't... pull that mirror back out, because more than likely you need one of my rules to live by.
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